Man, I’ve really been looking for a resource to pick up women at my local Walgreens. But finally, a comprehensive tutorial has come!
This super-suave guy named Allan decides to teach us losers all the ropes of courting women. He takes a break from scoring with piles and piles of chicks and grabs his camera and an escort to make us this tutorial video. I provide a step-by-step breakdown of what he is doing below:
Watch Allan Crush:
0:12 – I love this shopping cart, you’ve done a great job with it!
Oh I see. Compliment her on picking out the shopping cart that is literally indistinguishable from the million others created. Keep it simple!
0:41 – Give the lady you are courting body “status” by pointing your hips towards her and looking directly at her.
Nothing says “I’m interested” like blocking a female’s walking path in a Walgreen’s aisle with your hips. Be sure to slide your feet in a quick and assaulty manner if she tries to give you a sidestep or heisman.
0:51 – Don’t get right next to the strange lady you have pinned against the aisle and stare at her.
See? Like this.
1:16 – Engage her in the “direct method” – state your intentions directly to her!
I’m looking to do 5-10 years.
1:24 – I saw you and I just HAD to come talk to you.
Ehh.
1:37 – I made my intentions known. I’ve come up to flirt with her and it will probably escalate after we leave the store.
Allan, I love your boldness. You give literally zero F’s. But frankly, I’m starting to doubt the quality of your plan. Like you say this “relationship” is going to “escalate” after you “leave the store” and its got me thinking “you haven’t thought this through?”
Look bro. I can relate. One time when I was younger I set up a sure-fire business plan and I made a vegetable-drink stand in my neighborhood cul-de-sac and was trying to sell it to the group of fat kids who said they wanted to be NFL players when they grew up. It seemed like a savvy business opportunity and was a noble effort but in reality these kids had 4th generation sugar-drinks they practically inhaled but more sloppily-like, spilling, staining, etc. Have you ever seen kids eat/drink stuff umm barf. Its clear these kool-aid fiends were not interested in truly growing up to be NFL stars, I had misread my market. Their claims of desiring a path of athletic prowess and nutrition were really just mouthfuls of lies. And pies. Lol!
1:42 – Indirect with my method. Here is where I choose not make my intentions clear!
Ok. I’m in a stabby mood. Do you like unicorns? Fiber is a number. Ikea is a hypotenuse. Throw her off the trail of your psycho scent with random and obscure questions and statements. Remember: women are stupid! Questions confuse them, so be sure to ask them lots with no logical order to get on the fast-track to makeouts.
2:14 – Hey lady, a pink scrunchee is your color?
At this point, just start throwing shit in her shopping cart. What do you have to lose? The cops are on the way. Lady, you look like a 6 year old girl ready to go play a soccer game. Take this pink scrunchee, Stephanie Tanner.
ABRACADABRA YOU ARE MACK DADDY PIMP YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A LOSER BY TALKING TO PEOPLE IN WALGREENS BUT SORRY HATERS YOU NOW HAVE 18 GIRLFRIENDS.
To sum up, I think I can best add on to Allan’s post by saying:
Thanks Allan!
