Yo what’s up my balding, aging, disgusting fellers. As you get older, you’ve likely noticed how you’ve become significantly less attractive to the opposite sex in a variety of ways. As a man, losing your hair is one of the most noticeable ways that you just simply aren’t visually appealing to look at for most people.

Granted, if you’re starting to bald then you’re already likely on the “back 9” and the sweet release of death is reasonably close. Nevertheless, you can still put a band-aid on the violently hemorrhaging wound that is your physical appearance with a few of my tips belows.

We’re starting today with ways to thicken your hair.

Here are 6 ways to thicken your hair:

Grass

Do you remember those stupid little trolls that would grow with grass on the top? That stupid troll could be you!
This is our only 100% certified organic method in this list, so if ur one of those tree-huggers that makes me feel bad for eating slaughtered cows than this method is probably ur best bet. Also, I’m not sure what organic means but context clues is leading me to believe this is organic.

Scalping

The ORIGINAL toupee!
Taking a sharp knife and viciously cutting the top skin and hair off of another human-being is a viable and authentic solution for your balding head. This used to be a fairly popular method in the 1700’s when white people were taking over Native Americans land through enslavement, mass murdering, force and carefully orchestrated small pox infusions.
Also, can you say VINTAGE?!
Do you remember in the movie The Patriot and they are fighting the revolutionary war, and the one guy wants to keep scalps of all the Redcoats he kills. Pretty Koo way of making a fashion statement. He had an assortment of different styles depending on his mood or desired look, etc. Some of his looked kinna bloody lol barf so we’ll need some Windex I believe.
Granted, the fake news media and movie industry highlights ONLY the negatives of scalping other people’s hair after murdering them. But what they don’t tell you is that you can use the scalps as your own personal hair collection. Sorry CNN, you must just be jealous af 😎

Homemade Toupee

Still sort of thinking this one through but we will need scissors and a dead animal (or willing to die animal) nearby.

Rugs

The term “rug” has often been used as a derogatory slang word for wearing a toupee. But what I’m proposing is for a REAL rug. For whatever reason, women seem to LOVE rugs.
I’m a mathematician when I’m around a calculator and internet, and the simple math is: Women Love Rugs divided by overpriced Rug from ROOMS TO GO times Your Ugly Balding Head equals Womens Affection. See? Math.

Shave your head

First, you’ll need to lather your head with shaving cream and take a razor and then OK this recommendation was a trick. Don’t be a sneaky little beeyotch, keep the Elmers glue out, we have work to do and hair to paste on.

Cul-de-sac

One of the best ways to hide your bald head is to grow out the sides pretty drastically and significantly.
Then, once it’s long enough, you can smoothly pull it across horizontally from one ear to the other. Typically, I suggest hair gel or some sort of gorilla glue paste that will ensure it not to move or fall. But for most I’ve actually seen that typical heavy sweating will make the hair adhesive. Sorry neighbors, this cul-de-sac is closed 😎

Gosh, I already feel a lot better about this. Let’s get to work!!!!