Welcome to Frontier Airlines! You’ve made an incredibly economical decision in choosing us today. We used to have premium seating, TV’s in the headrests, and complimentary beverages. But screw that, we’ve rebranded to Frontier Airlines: The H E L L double hockey sticks of the sky.
We’ve got a handful of new features, promotions, and offers to really set us apart. Check them out and call us our 13-15 digital phone number if you have questions: 555-555-32XAadsc;x 353.
PROMOS
You Get a Free Massage
Our seats are so tightly packed together that you’ll feel a constant kicking in your backseat from a fellow serf. Some of our customers (“poors”) have said that it feels like a shiatsu massage. You know the one where they punch your back, walk on you, spit on you, etc.
We offer exercise for your credit card.
With everything going “digital” these days, your credit card rarely even leaves your wallet. Luckily, all of our services require a credit card. We’ll swipe the shit out of it.
We offer credit card swiping for a variety of activities, such as, and definitely not limited to:
- Luggage
- Carry-ons
- Soft Drinks
- Breathing
- Notifying a Flight Attendant
- Sitting
- Pretzels
- Looking Out the Window
- Looking
- Using the restroom
- Using the Credit Card Machine
Environmentally Friendly
Plastic ruins the environment and chokes dolphins, which are vital for us to enjoy tuna. We’ve replaced those eco-hazard, plastic flotation devices with grocery bags.
Raffles
On random flights, we’ll hold a raffle on who will fly the plane. Children (under 12) get double-entries.
All Natural
We’ve brought back cigarette smoking on the plane. Hell yeah. Cigarette smokers tend to fit our socio-economic customer strategy and smell good for those whom are addicted.
We’ve replaced flight attendants with blow-up dolls
We run them up and down the aisles on pully strings so its basically the same. Have you seen that scene in Home Alone where Kevin is holding that fake party? Maculy Culkin (sp?) turned out good last we checked.
Kids Specials
On special days, we’ll have have petting zoos on the plane. Everything including ponies, goats, alligators, tarantulas, to name a few. It will be crowdfunded! We’ll bill you.
Thanks for reading our new guidelines. You’ll have an invoice for getting to read this in your inbox shortly.
