One of the time-honored treasures of the USA is the game of baseball. But if we’re being honest, unfortunately, base-ball is incredibly base-boring. I’ve proposed a couple things below that will help make the game more exciting.
1. Put a Giant Snake Pit in the Outfield
Wouldn’t a fly ball to to center field be a lot more exciting if the center fielder had to be on the lookout for a gigantic pit full of snakes? It would be cool if they were lethally venomous, but not required during the regular season.
2. Make One Baseball filled with Nitrogen
From what I can tell, they have a big tub of balls they have available to use throughout the game. Sometimes the baseball hits the dirt on an errant pitch. The ump then looks at it for 1-25 minutes, perplexed, and suddenly this dirty baseball is deemed not usable anymore for this outdoor game played in grass and dirt. Then, they grab another ball from a bucket of endless balls from a ball farm.
What I’m proposing is to fill one of the balls in the bucket with Nitrogen instead of the crushed up rocks that are in the regular ones. I’m not a scientist anymore, but I’m pretty sure I remember that Nitrogen explodes upon contact. So basically at some point during the game, a baseball will violently explode when a hitter hits it. The batter, catcher, and umpire will probably be injured but it will keep spectators on the edge of their seat to be wary of dangerous, lethal, shrapnel that will inevitably pierce onlookers skin and eyes and skull. Have you ever played Jack N’ the Box? What a heart-pounding, adrenaline-rushed-thrill. Shoutout to Jack N’ the Box fast food also.
3. Knives
Currently under-utilized in the game.
4. Let Homeless People Manage the Teams
Have you ever watched a manager during a game? Homeboys literally just sit and chew on tobacco, or sunflower seeds, or straws. Have you ever heard homeless guys talk? Pretty funny rants and perspectives on various topics. Would love to have a mid-game interview and hear Homeless Joe explain his strategy of benching an all-star slugger for a sack of raisins he found outside.
5. Billy Ray Cyrus
6. Steroids
Did we try this already?
7. Losing Team has to watch “Big Bang Theory” non-stop until the next game
Dude how this show so popular.
8. Billy Ray Cyrus
9. When a guy is up to bat, his ex-girlfriend has a video message on the JumboTron
Ex-girlfriends can ruin anyone’s life, and I think watching it would be hilarious to have an ex-girlfriend distract a batter while trying to bat. I imagine all of my ex-girlfriends are now like Winona Ryder in Stranger Things, where they are crazed and waiting for my messages with Christmas lights. Lol.
That’s all for now. Will somebody send this to the commish?
